Damn

Dec 6 | Posted by: Andrea Zonn |

My New Year’s resolutions have already started.  I don’t know what it is that arises within me, usually at this time of year, that makes me want to take stock, reassess and take charge of some aspect of my life.  It seems to be a seasonal thing.  Three occasions a year when that need presents itself, vying for attention above all other matters, the other two being the first of Spring and the first of Fall.  Open the windows, shake out the cobwebs, and feel reenergized, claim new resolve.

 

But the moment at hand isn’t for open windows.  I’ve spent the greater part of the past week steeped in my late father’s life.  I’ve been procrastinating.  Monday marks eight years since his passing.  A grand pile of computers and hard drives landed in my studio a couple of months ago, courtesy of my brother Brian.  Prior to that, they resided in my mother’s garage, where they became home to a multitude of spiders and dust bunnies.  Three years ago, she moved them from the wreck of an office my dad had occupied at their former home.  For eight years, she’s been asking me to deal with them, and for eight years, I’ve been filled with dread.  And for good reason.

 

Every family enjoys some level of dysfunction.  We just do.  Every family establishes a system for communication and behavior that is only understood within the context of that household.  Behaviors that are exercised there rarely work in the outside world.  Mine was, and is, no different.  My father was a born professor.  Not just any professor, but the chair of his department at the University of Illinois.  He was used to students and faculty alike coming to him for guidance and learning.  He rightfully expected that of his children, as well.  I had no problem with that when I was actually a child.  But when I was finding my way as an adult, I didn’t always want or need to seek his counsel.  Sometimes he wanted to impose it on me anyway, and we had some ugly confrontations.

 

When he contracted melanoma, and then Guillain-Barre Syndrome, it was the beginning of the end.  Nearly two years he would spend in and out of hospitals and rehabilitation facilities.  GB immediately took away his ability to walk, the command of his arms, legs and fingers, and during more pronounced stages of his illness, even his ability to breathe and swallow.  That’s when my father disappeared.  That’s when my mother disappeared.  And I felt left to fend for my own well-being.

 

Immediately after my father’s passing, I wasn’t too anxious to get inside his head.  That little girl inside me had her own well-being to tend to, after all.

 

I’ve done, and continue to do a lot of healing.  I know that my dad was just in survival when he was sick.  His life was at stake, which meant that he simply wasn’t able to reach out beyond himself and nurture anyone else.  I knew that even then.  There are times when you have to leave your inner child waiting in the car.  It’s not safe to take them into some situations.

 

I do really miss him.  I miss his voice, and his wisdom.  I miss his laughter, and his enthusiasm.  I miss his curiosity.  I miss his smile.  And the sparkle in his eyes.

 

I miss him for Leonard.  I see him in Leonard.

 

So now, I’m ready to deal with the content of those damn computers.  Dinosaurs, they are now.  Machines that haven’t been turned on in at least ten years.  Slow.  Obsolete applications and software.  Floppy disks.  Scuzy cables.  Even a couple of my old computers that he claimed when I was done.

 

When my father passed, it was just too raw, too open.  For a long time.  Then I dreaded getting into his head.  In his life, he was always able to keep track of things, and had a half-assed system to organize the portion of his life’s work kept in these old computers.

 

There are no social security numbers, legal documents or other items embedded in these hard drives.  But there are compositions and their accompanying program notes.  There are love poems written to my mother.  There are song lyrics.  And album credits.  And liner notes.  And letters of recommendation.

 

But we didn’t know any of that.  Because I couldn’t bring myself to start the process.

buy generic ivermectin online <a href="http://www.ivermectinoge.com/#">ivermectin pills</a>

buy 12mg ivermectin <a href="https://www.ivermectinusd.com/#">generic ivermectin 6 mg</a> ivermectin canada

stromectol pills <a href="http://ivermectinetc.com/#">buy ivermectin canada</a>

2013 ap english exam essay questions <a href="https://ouressaypride.com/ ">essay on tv boon or curse</a> https://ouressaypride.com/

university of hawaii at manoa essay <a href="https://ouressaypride.com/ ">hamlet as a revenge tragedy essay free</a> https://ouressaypride.com/

plaquenil otc <a href="http://hydroxychloroquinex.com/#">plaquenil cheap</a> hydroxychloroquine pills

plaquenil tablets 200mg buy online <a href="https://www.hydroxychloroquinex.com/#">buy plaquenil friends program</a>

tor2door link <a href="https://darknet-markets.store/ ">dark web market links </a> https://darknet-markets.store/ - cannazon market link

buy 6 mg stromectol http://ivermectinuni.com/

how much is prednisone 10mg <a href=" https://prednisoneforsale.store/# ">where to buy prednisone in canada</a>
https://zithromaxforsale.shop/# zithromax 600 mg tablets
<a href=https://amoxilforsale.best/#>buy amoxil</a> amoxicillin 500mg without prescription

versus market <a href="https://blackmarketonline.store/ ">incognito link </a> https://blackmarketonline.store/ - Kingdom Market

darkfox link <a href="https://darkweburl.online/ ">tor darknet </a> https://darkweburl.online/ - bitcoin dark web

<a href="http://ivermectinetc.com/#">stromectol online canada</a> stromectol 6mg

five paragraph essay conclusion examples <a href="https://ouressaypride.com/ ">essay in marathi on holi</a> https://ouressaypride.com/

essay on disadvantages of computer in hindi language <a href="https://needmoreessay.com/ ">great divorce essay topics</a> https://needmoreessay.com/

generic ivermectin 12mg <a href="http://www.ivermectinusd.com/#">ivermectin for covid</a> buy 6mg ivermectin

an essay concerning human understanding john locke sparknotes <a href="https://essayrightversion.com/ ">problems bureaucracy essay</a> https://essayrightversion.com/

hydroxychloroquine canada online <a href="https://hydroxychloroquinex.com/#">buy hydroxychloroquine from india</a> hydroxychloroquine mexico pharmacy

example essay holiday pulau langkawi <a href="https://essayrightversion.com/ ">essay about new jersey</a> https://essayrightversion.com/

most popular darknet market <a href="https://darkweblink.online/ ">Cocorico Market </a> https://darkweblink.online/ - tor2door market darknet

good informative essay topics for college students <a href="https://essayrightversion.com/ ">interesting essay questions</a> https://essayrightversion.com/

<a href="http://ivermectinuni.com/#">buy stromectol canada</a> buy ivermectin 6 mg

<a href=https://pregabalin.monster/>cheap lyrica 75 mg</a>

how to write a good 5 paragraph persuasive essay <a href="https://essaytruelist.com/ ">write an essay on human rights in india during ancient and medieval period</a> https://essaytruelist.com/

<a href="http://ivermectinuni.com/#">ivermectin tablets from india</a> order ivermectin from india

generic ivermectin 12mg <a href="https://stromectolusdt.com/#">stromectol 12 mg for sale</a> buy ivermectin canada

urdu essay for class 10th <a href="https://ouressaypride.com/ ">essay on biography of book in hindi</a> https://ouressaypride.com/

example of persuasive essay on year round school <a href="https://needmoreessay.com/ ">mission statement essay examples</a> https://needmoreessay.com/

<a href="https://www.ivermectinoge.com/#">stromectol 12 mg tablets</a>

essay on life in a city and village <a href="https://essayanalyticok.com/ ">synthesis essay example death penalty</a> https://essayanalyticok.com/

cheap herbal viagra online http://bluethshop.com discount viagra sale

<a href="http://ivermectinuni.com/#">buy ivermectin 6mg</a> buy stromectol 12 mg

250 word essay about your life experience <a href="https://needmoreessay.com/ ">causes of road accident in malaysia essay</a> https://needmoreessay.com/

ib extended essay format example <a href="https://essayanalyticok.com/ ">ap english literature prose essay samples</a> https://essayanalyticok.com/

generic hydroxychloroquine 200mg https://hydroxychloroquinex.com/

essay on save mother earth <a href="https://essaychekhere.com/ ">critically analyse essay examples</a> https://essaychekhere.com/

<a href="http://www.ivermectinoge.com/#">buy ivermectin 6mg</a> canadian pharmacy stromectol

<a href=https://pregabalin.monster/>pregabalin for sale online</a>

dark markets <a href="https://darkwebmarkets.online/ ">versus market darknet </a> https://darkwebmarkets.online/ - link darknet market

stromectol tablets for sale <a href="https://www.ivermectinoge.com/#">ivermectin generic</a> stromectol pharmacy

buy stromectol <a href="https://ivermectinuni.com/#">stromectol tablets for sale</a> ivermectin tablets for sale canada

generic ivermectin 12 mg <a href="http://stromectolusdt.com/#">generic stromectol 6mg</a> stromectol tablets for sale

<a href=https://pregabalin.monster/>purchase lyrica generic</a>

maryland bar exam essay tutor <a href="https://essaychekhere.com/ ">essay on animal testing pros/cons</a> https://essaychekhere.com/

ielts essay writing techniques <a href="https://essaytruelist.com/ ">essay tungkol sa kahirapan ng pilipinas</a> https://essaytruelist.com/

buy stromectol 12 mg <a href="http://ivermectinuni.com/#">where to buy ivermectina 12mg</a> buy generic ivermectin online

buy modafinil 200mg for sale - <a href="https://rpmodafinil.com/">modafinil 100mg price</a> purchase rhinocort sale

expository essay graphic organizer middle school <a href="https://needmoreessay.com/ ">analysis essay rubric high school</a> https://needmoreessay.com/

cannazon market darknet <a href="https://blackmarketonline.store/ ">drug market </a> https://blackmarketonline.store/ - monero darknet markets

my favorite flower essay in marathi <a href="https://essayrightversion.com/ ">persuasive essay prompts elementary</a> https://essayrightversion.com/

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
Syndicate content