Damn

Dec 6 | Posted by: Andrea Zonn |

My New Year’s resolutions have already started.  I don’t know what it is that arises within me, usually at this time of year, that makes me want to take stock, reassess and take charge of some aspect of my life.  It seems to be a seasonal thing.  Three occasions a year when that need presents itself, vying for attention above all other matters, the other two being the first of Spring and the first of Fall.  Open the windows, shake out the cobwebs, and feel reenergized, claim new resolve.

 

But the moment at hand isn’t for open windows.  I’ve spent the greater part of the past week steeped in my late father’s life.  I’ve been procrastinating.  Monday marks eight years since his passing.  A grand pile of computers and hard drives landed in my studio a couple of months ago, courtesy of my brother Brian.  Prior to that, they resided in my mother’s garage, where they became home to a multitude of spiders and dust bunnies.  Three years ago, she moved them from the wreck of an office my dad had occupied at their former home.  For eight years, she’s been asking me to deal with them, and for eight years, I’ve been filled with dread.  And for good reason.

 

Every family enjoys some level of dysfunction.  We just do.  Every family establishes a system for communication and behavior that is only understood within the context of that household.  Behaviors that are exercised there rarely work in the outside world.  Mine was, and is, no different.  My father was a born professor.  Not just any professor, but the chair of his department at the University of Illinois.  He was used to students and faculty alike coming to him for guidance and learning.  He rightfully expected that of his children, as well.  I had no problem with that when I was actually a child.  But when I was finding my way as an adult, I didn’t always want or need to seek his counsel.  Sometimes he wanted to impose it on me anyway, and we had some ugly confrontations.

 

When he contracted melanoma, and then Guillain-Barre Syndrome, it was the beginning of the end.  Nearly two years he would spend in and out of hospitals and rehabilitation facilities.  GB immediately took away his ability to walk, the command of his arms, legs and fingers, and during more pronounced stages of his illness, even his ability to breathe and swallow.  That’s when my father disappeared.  That’s when my mother disappeared.  And I felt left to fend for my own well-being.

 

Immediately after my father’s passing, I wasn’t too anxious to get inside his head.  That little girl inside me had her own well-being to tend to, after all.

 

I’ve done, and continue to do a lot of healing.  I know that my dad was just in survival when he was sick.  His life was at stake, which meant that he simply wasn’t able to reach out beyond himself and nurture anyone else.  I knew that even then.  There are times when you have to leave your inner child waiting in the car.  It’s not safe to take them into some situations.

 

I do really miss him.  I miss his voice, and his wisdom.  I miss his laughter, and his enthusiasm.  I miss his curiosity.  I miss his smile.  And the sparkle in his eyes.

 

I miss him for Leonard.  I see him in Leonard.

 

So now, I’m ready to deal with the content of those damn computers.  Dinosaurs, they are now.  Machines that haven’t been turned on in at least ten years.  Slow.  Obsolete applications and software.  Floppy disks.  Scuzy cables.  Even a couple of my old computers that he claimed when I was done.

 

When my father passed, it was just too raw, too open.  For a long time.  Then I dreaded getting into his head.  In his life, he was always able to keep track of things, and had a half-assed system to organize the portion of his life’s work kept in these old computers.

 

There are no social security numbers, legal documents or other items embedded in these hard drives.  But there are compositions and their accompanying program notes.  There are love poems written to my mother.  There are song lyrics.  And album credits.  And liner notes.  And letters of recommendation.

 

But we didn’t know any of that.  Because I couldn’t bring myself to start the process.

example of descriptive essay about the beach <a href="https://essayanalyticok.com/ ">essay on good character traits</a> https://essayanalyticok.com/

stromectol 6mg <a href="https://ivermectinetc.com/#">ivermectin pharmacy</a> ivermectin tablets for sale

psychological disorders essay conclusion <a href="https://essaychekhere.com/ ">argumentative essay on social media</a> https://essaychekhere.com/

ap english language argumentative essay rubric <a href="https://needmoreessay.com/ ">ap lang synthesis essay thesis</a> https://needmoreessay.com/

<a href=https://zithromaxforsale.shop/#>zithromax for sale cheap</a> can i buy zithromax online

cypher link <a href="https://drugmarketsdarkweb.com/ ">tor2door url </a> https://drugmarketsdarkweb.com/ - cannazon market link

versus market <a href="https://drugmarketsdark.com/ ">onion darknet market </a> https://drugmarketsdark.com/ - asap market darknet

essay on my journey of life <a href="https://essayanalyticok.com/ ">sample argumentative essay examples</a> https://essayanalyticok.com/

descriptive essay 350 words <a href="https://essaytruelist.com/ ">essay on human rights in india pdf</a> https://essaytruelist.com/

stromectol 12mg online <a href="https://www.ivermectinusd.com/#">stromectol mexico</a> order ivermectin from india

10th grade expository essay examples <a href="https://essayrightversion.com/ ">sample essay spm environment</a> https://essayrightversion.com/

<a href="http://stromectolusdt.com/#">ivermectin tablets for sale</a> stromectol 6mg

five paragraph essay fifth grade <a href="https://essaytruelist.com/ ">vcu college essay prompts</a> https://essaytruelist.com/

essay about mobile phones in schools <a href="https://essayanalyticok.com/ ">major steps in academic essay writing</a> https://essayanalyticok.com/

darknet market avengers <a href="https://darkweburl.online/ ">dark market </a> https://darkweburl.online/ - reddit darknet markets 2022

how to buy from the darknet markets <a href="https://blackmarketonline.store/ ">darknet drugs market </a> https://blackmarketonline.store/ - current darknet markets

bitcoin drugs market <a href="https://darkweblink.online/ ">asap market url </a> https://darkweblink.online/ - reddit darknet market list 2022

us history and government regents essay questions <a href="https://ouressaypride.com/ ">writing an essay about yourself sample</a> https://ouressaypride.com/

tor market darknet <a href="https://drugmarketonion.com/ ">deep dark web </a>

incognito market <a href="https://drugmarketonions.com/ ">versus project market url </a> https://drugmarketonions.com/ - biggest darknet market 2022

republic day essay for 5th class <a href="https://needmoreessay.com/ ">essay on autobiography of a book in marathi language</a> https://needmoreessay.com/

ivermectin from india <a href="https://www.ivermectinusd.com/#">where to buy ivermectina 12mg</a>

ways to improve english speaking skills essay <a href="https://needmoreessay.com/ ">essay on uses of rain in hindi language</a> https://needmoreessay.com/

<a href="http://www.hydroxychloroquinex.com/#">plaquenil 200mg price</a>

topics for essay for grade 4 <a href="https://needmoreessay.com/ ">title page essay template</a> https://needmoreessay.com/

ivermectin pharmacy https://www.ivermectinusd.com/

https://zithromaxforsale.shop/# can you buy zithromax over the counter in canada

cheap stromectol <a href="http://ivermectinuni.com/#">buy 12mg stromectol</a>

zithromax cost uk <a href=" https://zithromaxforsale.shop/# ">zithromax prescription</a>

darkmarket list <a href="https://darkwebmarkets.online/ ">versus market </a> https://darkwebmarkets.online/ - alphabay link

what is mla format essay example <a href="https://ouressaypride.com/ ">can you use first person in sat essay</a> https://ouressaypride.com/

<a href="http://stromectolusdt.com/#">ivermectin tablets from india</a>

<a href="https://pg-slot.game/%E0%B8%9A%E0%B8%97%E0%B8%84%E0%B8%A7%E0%B8%B2%E0%B8%A1/%E0%B9%80%E0%B8%81%E0%B8%A1%E0%B8%AA%E0%B8%A5%E0%B9%87%E0%B8%AD%E0%B8%95-%E0%B8%84%E0%B9%88%E0%B8%B2%E0%B8%A2-pg/">เกมสล็อต ค่าย Pg</a> วันนี้จะมาแนะนำเกมสล็อตยอดฮิตทั้งหมด 7 เกมที่กำลังได้รับความนิยมเป็นอย่างมาก ด้วย ภาพ เนื้อหาของเกม และที่สำคัญแตกง่ายมากๆ อีกด้วย กับ สล็อต 2022

http://www.ivermectinoge.com/ buy ivermectin in canada

ivermectin from canada https://ivermectinuni.com/

<a href="https://ivermectinuni.com/#">generic ivermectin</a>

essay on my ambition in life to become a civil engineer <a href="https://ouressaypride.com/ ">cce pattern essay in hindi</a> https://ouressaypride.com/

us government final exam essay questions <a href="https://ouressaypride.com/ ">university level persuasive essay topics</a> https://ouressaypride.com/

introduction paragraph for compare and contrast essay examples <a href="https://essayanalyticok.com/ ">persuasive essay french revolution</a> https://essayanalyticok.com/

ivermectin tablets for sale canada <a href="https://ivermectinetc.com/#">buying stromectol online</a>

buy ivermectin 12mg <a href="https://ivermectinetc.com/#">stromectol price us</a> order ivermectin from india

essay classify the types of friends you have <a href="https://essayrightversion.com/ ">essay on rainwater harvesting in rajasthan</a> https://essayrightversion.com/

sat essay graded out of <a href="https://essayanalyticok.com/ ">essay on value of games in students life</a> https://essayanalyticok.com/

write an essay about the advantages of reading books <a href="https://essayanalyticok.com/ ">business studies essay questions</a> https://essayanalyticok.com/

stromectol otc <a href="https://www.ivermectinusd.com/#">ivermectin uk 3mg 6mg 12mg</a>

<a href="http://ivermectinetc.com/#">stromectol otc</a> stromectol tablets 3 mg

buy 6 mg ivermectin http://www.ivermectinusd.com/

essay on nuclear energy wikipedia <a href="https://essaychekhere.com/ ">persuasive essay template 5th grade</a> https://essaychekhere.com/

<a href=https://clomidforsale.life/#>buy cheap clomid</a> 50 mg clomid

buy generic accutane 10mg - <a href="https://risotretinoin.com/">isotretinoin 10mg drug</a> tetracycline 500mg for sale

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
Syndicate content