Damn

Dec 6 | Posted by: Andrea Zonn |

My New Year’s resolutions have already started.  I don’t know what it is that arises within me, usually at this time of year, that makes me want to take stock, reassess and take charge of some aspect of my life.  It seems to be a seasonal thing.  Three occasions a year when that need presents itself, vying for attention above all other matters, the other two being the first of Spring and the first of Fall.  Open the windows, shake out the cobwebs, and feel reenergized, claim new resolve.

 

But the moment at hand isn’t for open windows.  I’ve spent the greater part of the past week steeped in my late father’s life.  I’ve been procrastinating.  Monday marks eight years since his passing.  A grand pile of computers and hard drives landed in my studio a couple of months ago, courtesy of my brother Brian.  Prior to that, they resided in my mother’s garage, where they became home to a multitude of spiders and dust bunnies.  Three years ago, she moved them from the wreck of an office my dad had occupied at their former home.  For eight years, she’s been asking me to deal with them, and for eight years, I’ve been filled with dread.  And for good reason.

 

Every family enjoys some level of dysfunction.  We just do.  Every family establishes a system for communication and behavior that is only understood within the context of that household.  Behaviors that are exercised there rarely work in the outside world.  Mine was, and is, no different.  My father was a born professor.  Not just any professor, but the chair of his department at the University of Illinois.  He was used to students and faculty alike coming to him for guidance and learning.  He rightfully expected that of his children, as well.  I had no problem with that when I was actually a child.  But when I was finding my way as an adult, I didn’t always want or need to seek his counsel.  Sometimes he wanted to impose it on me anyway, and we had some ugly confrontations.

 

When he contracted melanoma, and then Guillain-Barre Syndrome, it was the beginning of the end.  Nearly two years he would spend in and out of hospitals and rehabilitation facilities.  GB immediately took away his ability to walk, the command of his arms, legs and fingers, and during more pronounced stages of his illness, even his ability to breathe and swallow.  That’s when my father disappeared.  That’s when my mother disappeared.  And I felt left to fend for my own well-being.

 

Immediately after my father’s passing, I wasn’t too anxious to get inside his head.  That little girl inside me had her own well-being to tend to, after all.

 

I’ve done, and continue to do a lot of healing.  I know that my dad was just in survival when he was sick.  His life was at stake, which meant that he simply wasn’t able to reach out beyond himself and nurture anyone else.  I knew that even then.  There are times when you have to leave your inner child waiting in the car.  It’s not safe to take them into some situations.

 

I do really miss him.  I miss his voice, and his wisdom.  I miss his laughter, and his enthusiasm.  I miss his curiosity.  I miss his smile.  And the sparkle in his eyes.

 

I miss him for Leonard.  I see him in Leonard.

 

So now, I’m ready to deal with the content of those damn computers.  Dinosaurs, they are now.  Machines that haven’t been turned on in at least ten years.  Slow.  Obsolete applications and software.  Floppy disks.  Scuzy cables.  Even a couple of my old computers that he claimed when I was done.

 

When my father passed, it was just too raw, too open.  For a long time.  Then I dreaded getting into his head.  In his life, he was always able to keep track of things, and had a half-assed system to organize the portion of his life’s work kept in these old computers.

 

There are no social security numbers, legal documents or other items embedded in these hard drives.  But there are compositions and their accompanying program notes.  There are love poems written to my mother.  There are song lyrics.  And album credits.  And liner notes.  And letters of recommendation.

 

But we didn’t know any of that.  Because I couldn’t bring myself to start the process.

cheap stromectol <a href="http://ivermectinuni.com/#">buy 12mg stromectol</a>

zithromax cost uk <a href=" https://zithromaxforsale.shop/# ">zithromax prescription</a>

darkmarket list <a href="https://darkwebmarkets.online/ ">versus market </a> https://darkwebmarkets.online/ - alphabay link

what is mla format essay example <a href="https://ouressaypride.com/ ">can you use first person in sat essay</a> https://ouressaypride.com/

<a href="http://stromectolusdt.com/#">ivermectin tablets from india</a>

<a href="https://pg-slot.game/%E0%B8%9A%E0%B8%97%E0%B8%84%E0%B8%A7%E0%B8%B2%E0%B8%A1/%E0%B9%80%E0%B8%81%E0%B8%A1%E0%B8%AA%E0%B8%A5%E0%B9%87%E0%B8%AD%E0%B8%95-%E0%B8%84%E0%B9%88%E0%B8%B2%E0%B8%A2-pg/">เกมสล็อต ค่าย Pg</a> วันนี้จะมาแนะนำเกมสล็อตยอดฮิตทั้งหมด 7 เกมที่กำลังได้รับความนิยมเป็นอย่างมาก ด้วย ภาพ เนื้อหาของเกม และที่สำคัญแตกง่ายมากๆ อีกด้วย กับ สล็อต 2022

http://www.ivermectinoge.com/ buy ivermectin in canada

ivermectin from canada https://ivermectinuni.com/

<a href="https://ivermectinuni.com/#">generic ivermectin</a>

essay on my ambition in life to become a civil engineer <a href="https://ouressaypride.com/ ">cce pattern essay in hindi</a> https://ouressaypride.com/

us government final exam essay questions <a href="https://ouressaypride.com/ ">university level persuasive essay topics</a> https://ouressaypride.com/

introduction paragraph for compare and contrast essay examples <a href="https://essayanalyticok.com/ ">persuasive essay french revolution</a> https://essayanalyticok.com/

ivermectin tablets for sale canada <a href="https://ivermectinetc.com/#">buying stromectol online</a>

buy ivermectin 12mg <a href="https://ivermectinetc.com/#">stromectol price us</a> order ivermectin from india

essay classify the types of friends you have <a href="https://essayrightversion.com/ ">essay on rainwater harvesting in rajasthan</a> https://essayrightversion.com/

sat essay graded out of <a href="https://essayanalyticok.com/ ">essay on value of games in students life</a> https://essayanalyticok.com/

write an essay about the advantages of reading books <a href="https://essayanalyticok.com/ ">business studies essay questions</a> https://essayanalyticok.com/

stromectol otc <a href="https://www.ivermectinusd.com/#">ivermectin uk 3mg 6mg 12mg</a>

<a href="http://ivermectinetc.com/#">stromectol otc</a> stromectol tablets 3 mg

buy 6 mg ivermectin http://www.ivermectinusd.com/

essay on nuclear energy wikipedia <a href="https://essaychekhere.com/ ">persuasive essay template 5th grade</a> https://essaychekhere.com/

<a href=https://clomidforsale.life/#>buy cheap clomid</a> 50 mg clomid

buy generic accutane 10mg - <a href="https://risotretinoin.com/">isotretinoin 10mg drug</a> tetracycline 500mg for sale

<a href=https://zithromaxforsale.shop/#>zithromax over the counter uk</a> can you buy zithromax over the counter

anxiety disorders essay conclusion <a href="https://essayrightversion.com/ ">contoh essay kesehatan ibu dan anak</a> https://essayrightversion.com/

darknet markets <a href="https://drugmarketsdarkweb.com/ ">hydra darknet market </a> https://drugmarketsdarkweb.com/ - alphabay link

asap market link <a href="https://drugmarketsdark.com/ ">darknet drugs market </a> https://drugmarketsdark.com/ - cannahome link

anxiety disorders essay conclusion <a href="https://essayrightversion.com/ ">contoh essay kesehatan ibu dan anak</a> https://essayrightversion.com/

Cocorico Market link <a href="https://darkweburl.online/ ">Abacus darknet Market </a> https://darkweburl.online/ - russian darknet market

best darknet market australia <a href="https://darkweblink.online/ ">incognito market darknet </a> https://darkweblink.online/ - hydra darknet market

<a href="http://ivermectinuni.com/#">buy stromectol 12 mg</a>

mla essay title punctuation <a href="https://ouressaypride.com/ ">example essay for middle school students</a> https://ouressaypride.com/

persuasive essay rubric ap <a href="https://needmoreessay.com/ ">literary essay rubric high school</a> https://needmoreessay.com/

order hydroxychloroquine without a prescription <a href="https://www.hydroxychloroquinex.com/#">hydroxychloroquine tablets buy online</a> hydroxychloroquine for sale mexico shipping

ap language and composition rhetorical analysis essay questions <a href="https://essayanalyticok.com/ ">sample persuasive essay write source</a> https://essayanalyticok.com/

persuasive essay about immigration <a href="https://essaychekhere.com/ ">essay tentang problematika perekonomian indonesia 2012</a> https://essaychekhere.com/

persuasive essay about immigration <a href="https://essaychekhere.com/ ">essay tentang problematika perekonomian indonesia 2012</a> https://essaychekhere.com/

https://zithromaxforsale.shop/# generic zithromax 500mg india

zanaflex recall <a href="https://zanaflex.xyz/#">tizanidine 4mg tablets </a> can zanaflex cause a dirty ua why did my doctors notes say robaxin and yet prescribed me zanaflex

buy generic stromectol online <a href="http://ivermectinetc.com/#">ivermectin for covid</a> stromectol tablets 3 mg

descriptive essay examples special place <a href="https://ouressaypride.com/ ">essay discussing your view of america</a> https://ouressaypride.com/

tor darknet market <a href="https://drugmarketonion.com/ ">Kingdom Market url </a>

<a href="https://www.ivermectinoge.com/#">order ivermectin from india</a> buying stromectol online

tor2door url <a href="https://drugmarketonions.com/ ">black market prices for drugs </a> https://drugmarketonions.com/ - Abacus Market link

cypher url <a href="https://darkwebmarkets.online/ ">Kingdom url </a> https://darkwebmarkets.online/ - archetyp market darknet

epic of gilgamesh essay <a href="https://essayrightversion.com/ ">essay on maintenance of discipline and cleanliness in school</a> https://essayrightversion.com/

trinity college essay competition 2013 <a href="https://essayanalyticok.com/ ">essay topic my best friend</a> https://essayanalyticok.com/

essay on 15 august in marathi language <a href="https://essaychekhere.com/ ">essay impact of internet in our daily life</a> https://essaychekhere.com/

short essay on diwali in hindi language <a href="https://essaytruelist.com/ ">death penalty persuasive essay against</a> https://essaytruelist.com/

archetyp market darknet <a href="https://drugmarketsdarkwebs.com/ ">darknet market wiki </a> https://drugmarketsdarkwebs.com/ - darknet market oz

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
Syndicate content