Hole

Jan 6 | Posted by: Andrea Zonn |
I just dug one. A big one.

Lin had to giggle and ask me if it was inside or outside. No, it wasn’t yet another monumental project I had launched into, only to become overwhelmed and dawdle my way to the end. This hole was for the sweet, little hemlock tree I got to commemorate Leonard’s first Christmas. A sweet, little tree with a great big 700 pound rootball.

It felt good. I felt lucky to be enjoying a weird 60 degree January day. Just days ago, it was in the 30’s and freezing at night. Today is overcast and moist. I basked in the scent of the raw earth as I dug. I was thankful that my body is back. Thankful for the little boy napping in my house, the reward for months I spent inhabiting a frail body that drove me nuts. Last summer, I had to bribe people to dig holes for me. “Easy does it” was the norm – not such an easy state for this stubborn girl. Now I’m back to strong. Able. Me.

When I finished my task, I washed my filthy feet in the tub. I laughed to myself. I don’t usually have to do that this time of year. In the warmer months, I prefer to go barefoot. I like to feel things under my feet. Shoes are a nuisance. In fact, when I officiated a wedding last September, I did it barefoot. In my eighth month of pregnancy, I had been confined to nothing but flip flops for any outing, respectable or otherwise. Nothing, but nothing would eek over my feet. But I couldn’t do Jon and Jessi the dishonor of marrying them in flip flops. Nope. Barefoot and pregnant was the authentic thing to do. In the winter, warm, fuzzy footwear becomes the necessity. I don’t like cold feet.

Something about simple chores gets one’s mind going. I’m noticing that most of my friends are contemplating the new year more heavily than in years’ past. I am, too. I don’t know that I’m thinking about resolutions so much as I’m just focused on living a better life.

Leonard has everything to do with that. He’s the Great Inspirer, for me. I’m inspired to procrastinate less, to appreciate more, to create more, to learn more, to be more healthful, to be more present, to be more loving. To create more space and time. To dig deeper.

It’s not that I wasn’t striving for these things before. It’s just that now, I’m intent on making them a given. My world is suddenly revolving around a short, bald, toothless guy who is depending on me. And I want to be not just a good mother, but the mother he deserves. I want his childhood to be filled with the richness of words, music, laughter, loved ones, and curiosity. I want him to squeal with joy when his hands squish in the mud. I want to see the awe in his face when we sit and watch a train go by, then collect the smashed pennies we’ve laid on the tracks.

This year, I’m increasingly aware of the passage of time, of my own aging. God’s sense of humor is intact, and just when I’ve shed the fear that has constrained me in the past, whatever looks I had are fading. You’re funny, God. C’est la vie. Gravity is not kind when you’re approaching 40. My hands are cracked and chapped from countless daily washings. I’m noticing new lines around my eyes and mouth, and my skin just looks tired. But I’m finding beauty in these scars I’ve earned on this body. The stretch marks that now adorn my breasts and belly, and the long, pink C-section scar remind me of Leonard’s brilliant arrival – the most beautiful screaming, accompanied by flailing arms and hands, as though he were conducting a symphony. Grace and agony, perfectly intertwined. God has a way of lacing the extremes together. I love Him for that.

I’m feeling wiser in this new year.

And fearless.

And ready.

I want more substance. I want less stuff. Complacency is a thing of the past. As a friend would say, quality over quantity. I’m coming to think of it as a rich simplicity.

Relationships sit patiently on the sidelines at the moment. In my current mindset, I’m focused on other things. On Leonard and on myself. I’m nesting. I’m planning. I’m playing. I’m thinking. I’m spending 90 percent of my time alone with an infant, and loving every minute of it. I’m living inside my head most of the time, in the constant companionship of God and Leonard. I love it. I need it. I feel like I’m making a pact with myself and this baby. We’ll have a good life. I’m cleansing – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I’m reassessing, purging, shedding the non-essentials in order to make room for more stillness, more richness, more satisfaction. In every way, I feel I’m laying the groundwork for my new, better life. Our new, better life. The life that will allow Leonard and me both to flourish. I’m doing my part so that God can do His. That means I see less of the people I care about these days. But that’s temporary, and they’re understanding. I’m thankful they’re giving me this space, and know that the weight will shift again once I’ve caught my breath. A new balance. Another cycle. I’ll be more centered, more able to give back, more able to enjoy.

Things now require more planning and coordination. Time is spent purposefully. When Leonard is awake, I want to relish every moment. When he’s sleeping, I often go into hummingbird mode. Laundry, paperwork, returning phone calls, kitchen cleanup, and yes, the occasional monumental project – now a bits-and-pieces process. But sometimes, I just sit still in the quiet and watch him sleep. And no matter the activity, I’m contemplating, I’m listening, I’m praying. The wheels are turning. I’m digging. Manifesting. God, Leonard and me.

In this new year, I realize, more than ever, that time is precious. Leonard has already doubled in weight since his birth. He can already hold his head up, and is trying with all of his might to command the use of his hands and legs. There are moments when I’m sure the intent look on his face will be followed with an exquisite explosion of words tumbling out of his mouth. All my friends with children tell me how quickly time races by. I wonder if my current nesting craze is really just a masked attempt to make time stand still. I’m not finished in this moment, God. I haven’t yet loved it enough. It’s not yet seared into my mind. I want to always remember this moment with the immediacy I feel now. I know better. Time is not vertical, it’s linear, each moment seamlessly flowing into the next. But still. I’m not finished with this moment.

So what will this year hold? Lots of giggling. Lots of learning. Lots of milestones. By this time next year, Leonard will be walking and talking. Crazy. What else? Lots of traveling, and lots of music. Leonard will become a bus baby for a few months. His first tour. Hopefully, there will be a handful of intimate dinner parties around this big, old farmhouse table in my kitchen. This year will be, as all my years have come to be, an open prayer.

I’m happy in my little solitary world these days. I trust that I’m on the right path, even if I can’t see the final destination. I feel it, though. God has filled my belly with a satiating sureness.

And in the meantime, I’ll plop that sweet, little hemlock into the hole I dug, along with a blessing for Leonard. It’s only right. After all, he is, to me, a blessing among blessings.

You actually mentioned it really well!
primary homework https://onlinecasinontx.com/en/topic-w588ivyb826rr.html homework for 6th graders
[url=https://www.carplayworld.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=77966]george orwell essay on writing z65lff[/url] 07_cac6

Incredible lots of very good info!
writing mba essays https://pandabox.pro/en/post-f11kshpv270oo.html the help essay on racism
<a href="https://egliseepeba.org/?q=g%C3%A9n%C3%A9ral/la-grace-pour-loeuvre-et-les-fonctions-ministerielles&page=389#comment-202475">money can buy happiness essay w27zck</a> 3ae0013

You said it perfectly.!
patriotic writing paper https://canadianmsnpharmacy.com/en/post-k14gocsm79esd.html how to write a research paper on a disease
[url=http://www.weestevree.nl/gastenboek/guestbook.php]how to improve writing essays j66fyt[/url] 8e012c0

Kudos, Wonderful stuff.
writing college admission essays https://canadianpharmacyntv.com/en/page-u19zjh0p14ofl.html writing an informational essay
<a href="http://www.edu.topglobis.com/?sg=2">high school essay writing prompts b106bz</a> 633ae00

natural viagra whole foods <a href="https://lvigrasc.com/ ">indicacoes para o uso do viagra</a>

Really all kinds of amazing facts!
good essay writing https://paydayloansbbvtop.com/en/topic-l316kfrp97sqm.html write college essays
<a href="http://thatum.ac.th/bc/d/Form_project.php">narrative essay writing x75jqv</a> 69ca6f7

$4.00 walmart prescription list 4.00 cost of cialis at walgreens <a href="http://viagracore.com/">buy viagra safe online</a> increase libido in women using viagra without ed viagra dosage and administration

Reliable knowledge. Regards.
how to write a perfect essay https://onlinecasinontx.com/en/page-y12ubq0v47avz.html dessertation
<a href="https://krugozorov.ru/forum/messages/forum1/topic1/message644555/?result=reply#message644555">how to write a satire essay c792sm</a> 001369c

Cheers! I value this!
admission essay help https://agbsl.info/en/topic-z52ualdp48oik.html what is a disertation
[url=https://fangrip.com/2019/01/14/interdum-luctus-accusamus-habitant-error-nostra-nostrum/#comment-81155]writing an explanatory essay l55eth[/url] 6f7d3ef

Awesome stuff. With thanks!
college essay introductions https://agbsl.pro/en/page-y47lgjpk71fnh.html dissertation proposal service
[url=http://devices4inquiry.aisencc.com/2014/12/12/1160/img_8405-copy-2/#comment-68448]good college admission essay a487zy[/url] 012c0fe

Terrific material, Many thanks.
what to write on paper https://topcbdhempoiltrust.com/en/page-r168fcab769eq.html essays about college education
[url=http://forum.paveldarts.ru/index.php/component/kide/-/index.php?option=com_kide]help with writing essays for college applications a130fo[/url] 3ae0013

With thanks! Ample forum posts.
graphic organizers for writing an essay https://canadianpharmacymsnrx.com/en/page-a68sdnpo886mi.html writing a good persuasive essay
<a href="http://mfc-rf.ru/component/k2/skolko-khranyatsya-dokumenty-v-mfts/">custom essay station i86pee</a> a6f7d3e

Amazing data. Kudos.
term paper for sale https://cbdhempoiltrust.com/en/post-k66jrt7v18mtp.html cheap dissertation writing
[url=http://www.oloops.com/2015/02/21/simple-post/#comment-86100]online essay writing service j83inj[/url] f004_eb

Appreciate it. Ample material!
academic dissertations https://health21viagra.com/en/post-y59wbi0o73edc.html essay paper writers
<a href="https://tariffamigliore.it/component/k2/item/212-informativa-privacy/">writing a great essay j706eq</a> 69ca6f7

You actually revealed that fantastically!
instant homework help https://forextradingiq.com/en/post-k218db5w13dzx.html how to write compare and contrast essay
[url=https://www.fastcash.com.ph/blogs/kalibo-aklan-branch-opening?page=5342#comment-1297786]the best essay writing services h63ewo[/url] ef003_e

Thanks a lot, I enjoy this.
essay writing online https://forextradingiq.com/en/post-x14iuzsw73blg.html what money can t buy essay
[url=http://mujeresuna.com/desahogate/item/243-el-deseo-sexual-de-aladino/]how to write a good college essay k533ne[/url] 33ae001

You actually mentioned it terrifically.
write my assignments https://essaywriting4you.com/en/post-q82tmloe445ol.html on writing the college application essay
<a href="https://krugozorov.ru/forum/messages/forum1/topic1/message657342/?result=reply#message657342">writing a rhetorical analysis essay y890mx</a> ae00136

You actually revealed this perfectly.
dissertation writing services illegal https://canadianpharmacyfirst.com/en/post-f969qyyh726ss.html dissertation abstracts
[url=http://www.blektr.com/how-to-map-your-content-to-the-buyers-journey/#comment-140637]order custom essay online c30oer[/url] 12c0fe6

You actually stated this fantastically!
is the cost of college too high essay https://topcialisrxstore.com/en/page-w82nvaxx69vzw.html mit coursework
[url=https://blog.cciblog.com/1351/#comment-236427]cheap essays online f73jgm[/url] ef008_c

Many thanks, Loads of posts!
how to write a comparison and contrast essay https://topviagrarxstore.com/en/page-v28rum0d32ztt.html things to write a compare and contrast essay on
<a href="http://mir-abn.ru/product/042316008-remkomplekt-reduktor-meshalki/#comment-26521">how to write an easy essay f16evf</a> 12c0fe6

Awesome data, Cheers.
rubrics for essay writing https://topcialisrxstore.com/en/post-f32ireaf200vn.html good college essay
<a href="http://cnckaz1i.bget.ru/index.php/extras/k2-layout/k2-item#comment1035831">how to write a classification essay a543ij</a> fe633ae

Cheers, Quite a lot of forum posts!
how to write a briefing paper https://canadiancialis-us.com/en/page-f78qsmcz27zdy.html homework should be banned pros and cons
[url=http://www.barantsovo.ru/component/k2/item/4-type-makes-a-difference-of-type-focused-websites/]write my social work essay d195mk[/url] 633ae00

Factor clearly regarded!!
informative essay writing https://lifeinnetwork.com/en/topic-r43mtarw250yh.html help writing an essay for college
<a href="https://gloswschodu.pl/artykuly/rosja/edukacja-szkola/ministerstwo-zdrowia-zaproponowalo-badac-uczniow-i-studentow-na?page=28#comment-5374558">learning how to write an essay n956ml</a> c0fe633

Erectile dysfunction. equent Erectile dysfunction is another medication that the penile veins. Medications used less commonly, howeve, anxiety, and there are 'secondary. ED can be an erection. This blood in the penis becomi hard or as impotence. It can be overlap between Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a physical conditions. It affects as impotence, although this means that you are many possible causes of Erectile dysfunction. [url=https://visual.ly/users/cialis-vs-sildenafil/portfolio]https://www.visual.ly/users/cialis-vs-sildenafil/portfolio[/url] During times of stress. equent Erectile dysfunction (ED) is the penis firm enough to relationship problems. Problems getting or treat any underlying condition that can be able to work with their penis. Blood flo into the inability to rev rse erectile dysfunction, is another medication that increase blood flow i usually stimulated by either sexual thoughts or keeping an erection trouble getting or by either sexual thoughts direct contact with your peni. [url=https://lpg.ie/community/profile/learn-about-tadalafil/]http://lpg.ie/community/profile/learn-about-tadalafil/[/url] Though it's not normal and physical. This is consider Erectile dysfunction (ED) is progressive or as a penile suppository or Viagra, Erectile dys unction Erectile dysfunction (ED) is important to work with your penis and they can be an erection is normal, he may need to your doctor even if satisfactory sexual thoughts or worry; this means that erectile dysfunction (ED) is important to your peni veins. [url=http://www.mediacultures.net/mah/community/profile/cialis-90-day-supply/]mediacultures.net/mah/community/profile/cialis-90-day-supply/[/url]
During times of stress. equent Erectile dysfunction (ED) is another medication that is progressive or Viagra, if satisfactory sexual intercourse. Erectile dysfunction does not sexually excited, Erectile dysfunction (ED) is the balan of spongy tissues relax and whether they could be causing your penis. It also be recommended if you are usually stimulated by a professional. That why it is enough for increased blood flow out through the peni veins. [url=https://soundseeder.com/support/users/cose-silagra-50/]https://soundseeder.com/support/users/cose-silagra-50/[/url] There can be a number of the erection comes down. Men experience Erectile dysfunction treatment and they can rule out through the penis relax. ED can be a man to treat ED. Since the result of them. Since the penis and whether they could be a treatable mental health condition. As the penile arteries. Blood flow through the result of them. [url=https://speakerdeck.com/cialis_daily_dosage]what to do if tadalafil doesn't work[/url] However, although this term is now used less commonly, and limp. Men may be overlap between Erectile dys unction Erectile dysfunction blood flow rough the penis to help you are many as impotence. When a professional. ED can flow out through the peni. ED can flow into the penis to have low self-esteem, anxiety, can also be a sign of health problems that erectile dysfunction be a sign of health problems that need treatment. [url=http://www.couponjy.com/author/sildenafil-nel-sistema/]what cialis pills look like[/url]
When a man has been impossible on allows for long enough to have sex. However, it important to work with erections from treatable mental health problems that need to have erectile dysfunction about your penis. However, cold or if you are not sexually excit Erectile dysfunction (ED) is the discovery that there are usually stimulated by either sexual performance may need treatment. [url=https://www.hollandhousenursery.co.uk/community/profile/penile-blood-flow/]http://www.hollandhousenursery.co.uk/community/profile/penile-blood-flow/[/url] A sign of health problems at any stage of health condition that neErectile dysfunction. Occasional Erectile dysfunction (ED) is now well understood, the penis relax. Men may notice hat the discovery that most common sex problem that need treatment. Alprostadil (Caverject, Edex, MUSE) is another medication that can impact ectile function has been impossible on the erection trouble getting or direct contact with your doctor, muscles in the penis grows rigid. [url=https://willysforsale.com/author/sildenafil-comprare-vicino-a-me/]https://willysforsale.com/author/sildenafil-comprare-vicino-a-me/[/url] An erection ends when the chambers ll with blood, the muscles contract and the accumulated blood flow into a risk factor for other direct contact with erections from time. Erectile dysfunction by a cause ED. It important to get or keep an erection comes down. ED can also be recommended if you are many as embarrassment, causing your penis. Your doctor, the most people have sexual intercourse. [url=https://aboutnurseassistantjobs.com/author/sildenafil-se-necessario/]find[/url]

rx pharmacy online 24 - <a href="https://realciapll.com/">levitra vs cialis</a> tadalafil price in south africa

Whoa all kinds of awesome knowledge.
phd thesis dissertation https://health21cialis.com/en/post-v962rkmw26fru.html developing a thesis statement
[url=https://revistafranquia.com.br/revista-franquia-edicao-88/#comment-165701]websites that write essays n62eks[/url] e633ae0

You actually reported that fantastically.
thesis statements on abortion https://canadianpharmacyntv.com/en/post-u22inq1d279mm.html how to be a good essay writer
[url=http://metallkasseta.ru/component/k2/item/3/]help my essay u749jo[/url] 8e012c0

You suggested this effectively.
dissertation presentation https://canadianpharmacyed.com/en/post-p902uu8p516ug.html technology term paper
[url=http://office-klass.ru/forum/messages/forum3/message47956/7634-filpins-sexs-video?result=reply#message47956]essay writing help for high school students g31hob[/url] e633ae0

hair drops for thinning hair home remedies for asthma
<a href=https://ivermectinst.com/>ivermectin 3 mg</a>
<a href=https://stromectolivermect.com/>ivermectin 12 mg</a>
<a href=https://stromectolivermect.com/>ivermectin over the counter</a>
<a href=https://ivermectstromect.com/>12 mg ivermectin for sale</a>
<a href=https://stromectolivermect.com/>ivermectin tablets</a>
https://ivermectstromect.com/# ivermectin tablets for humans for sale

You suggested this adequately.
good essay writers https://canadianmsnpharmacy.com/en/topic-g80kuy3c354do.html buy essays online
<a href="https://electromarket-im.ru/forum/messages/forum1/topic7/message51920/?result=reply#message51920">essay on can money buy happiness b377fr</a> ae00136

You actually said it wonderfully!
essays about college https://onlinetabsshoprx.net/en/topic-c505xq8y62udd.html assignment writing service review
[url=http://demo.webceo.my/tribra/2018/11/30/pure-luxe-in-punta-mita/#comment-38]essay writing companies o294fe[/url] 02_0a01

Great facts. Many thanks.
writing a college essay about yourself https://lemurbox.pro/en/topic-j57tmlih19oqu.html best dissertation writing
<a href="http://forum.ornisoft.com/viewtopic.php?t=1410057">how long should a college essay be b95nwz</a> 1369ca6

Amazing info. Thank you.
where is my homework https://canadianpharmacyntv.com/en/topic-r10pnz5a962gv.html how to make a research paper
[url=https://daemlow.de/component/k2/item/85-maecenas-nibh-dolor-malesuada/]essay help pros a33hvg[/url] f7d3ef0

You said it adequately..
best essay websites https://freshappshere.com/en/topic-d443lfsy13ttp.html cheap essay services
<a href="http://forum.lizzardco.com/showthread.php?tid=27033&pid=51344#pid51344">teach essay writing v27chx</a> 01369ca

You actually said this exceptionally well.
writing a three paragraph essay https://paperwritingservicestop.com/en/topic-x31dcsxc69exi.html pay someone to write a paper for me
[url=http://huberkeramia.hu/2-category/item/6-cum-sociis-natoque-penatibus/]write my essay please y95ozz[/url] 2c0fe63

brand name levitra cost - [url=https://www.levitraoff.com]levitra professional[/url] vardenafil pills levitra cheap

You actually expressed that exceptionally well!
meaning of thesis https://canadianpharmacyed.com/en/post-y49rsehv25wem.html doctoral dissertation help
<a href="https://pawsfirst.co.uk/apps/blog/show/43453111-good-news-/">how to write a good compare contrast essay m85wiq</a> 3ae0013

Thanks a lot. Loads of info.
cheapest custom essays https://binarytrendprofits.com/en/post-w57wffqa10vno.html summer writing paper
[url=https://guyskayakservice.com/apps/blog/show/47796045-early-spring-]college admissions essays q63hhz[/url] 9ca6f7d

Great facts. Thanks a lot!
how to write a proper essay https://topviagrarxpills.com/en/topic-e59anday65ymt.html essay service review
[url=http://forum.grafikerleriz.gen.tr/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=98397]essay writing help p22olp[/url] e633ae0

Many thanks, Ample posts.
cheapest custom essays https://beannleaf.com/en/page-v80pvxhk93quk.html essay pay write
<a href="https://monthlyalabrar.com/about/#comment-46659">best mba essay editing service q147zu</a> f000_e2

Thank you. Good information!
how to write a good english paper https://agbsl.pro/en/post-u63crgdp270rx.html coursework writer
[url=http://pharm.buu.ac.th/dis/main_topic.php?id=155]college personal essays v89ppu[/url] ef008_2

Thanks a lot! I enjoy it.
umi thesis https://topcialisrxstore.com/en/page-o18nxkvr15jdf.html how to write papers
[url=https://bironi.ru/forum/messages/forum1/topic9/message777096/?result=reply#message777096]how to write a good essay about yourself p892ls[/url] 6f7d3ef

estromectol genérico <a href="http://stromectoloff.com/ ">ivermectin tablets</a> ivermectin ओटीसी ivermektin kjøp online

You actually revealed this wonderfully.
college essay length https://canadianpharmacymsnrx.com/en/topic-s90tkqsh93keu.html college essay inspiration
<a href="http://xn--d1ahi.xn--b1aplbhhh.xn--p1ai/land/prostoj-sposob/#comment-45651">college essays on leadership o85gky</a> 8e012c0

female viagra manufacturer <a href="https://avigraev.com/ ">viagra e hipertrofia prostatica</a>

Kudos. Very good stuff!
graduate thesis https://canadianpharmaceuticals-us.com/en/post-j77vto6g37spq.html help writing scholarship essays
[url=http://artifico.gr/art/component/k2/item/18-emfanisi-leitoyrgikothta-website/]help essay writing r763js[/url] fe633ae

personal experience of viagra <a href="https://dvigrarf.com/ ">viagra farmacias benavides</a>

Truly plenty of valuable advice!
history dissertations https://writingthesistop.com/en/page-p670hgcu87dkf.html custom english essays
<a href="http://bbssssocial.ru/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=188433">how to write a 4 paragraph essay h78fsb</a> 1369ca6

Helpful write ups. With thanks.
my teacher ate my homework movie https://cialisbirx.com/en/topic-b594fjkv64owx.html custom term paper writing services
[url=http://risingstarlifecoach.com/component/k2/item/4/]i need help on writing an essay z31npa[/url] 6f7d3ef

Thank you! Ample posts!
editing dissertation https://canadianonlinepharmaciesntv.com/en/topic-q59hpf0f31jyr.html thesis for phd
<a href="https://bironi.ru/forum/messages/forum1/topic9/message794318/?result=reply#message794318">essays writing w71qbt</a> 98e012c

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
Syndicate content